표류조차 하지 못하는 나의 삶,
방황하는 무수한 발걸음.
There is something that acts as a weight on my emotion. Or at least there used to be. However the scale of sadness and joy didn’t indicate which is the heavier one. Rather, when sadness gets heavier, it just added more weights on joy. And when the joy gets more weight, it made sadness also heavier. It’s just when either of them are too heavy, it took longer time to make them less heavy. While, I was just dangling on those weights.
The scale’s needle always pointed zero.
My left hand is the world where people live in and my right hand is the world where I live in. There’s a rubber band between those two worlds, and I can jump over the rubber band and crawl under it, and step on it. I, with the third person point of view, can only come and go and watch the people. One moment I feel like I’m not that far from them, but it always ends up by me going back to the world of my right hand. There is only me, utterly alone. I am adrift in a place where I can’t make out its front or back, depending only on gravity.
I have never realized how hard it can be to live as myself. Maybe I haven’t learnt yet. It’s not that I’ve learnt to live for another person’s happiness, but I have never learnt to live for my own happiness either. My center was always off course from me, and I thought that I lack faiths. And maybe because of that, I may have been straying around.
Suddenly I realized that it suits me better to look far ahead. I always felt wrong when I get short-sighted. I hope all the stories around the world don’t belong to me.